As much as I love and trust my husband, there is certain lights I do not want him to see me in. I know all couples are supposed to get to 'that point' at some time or another, I am just not ready for that time to be now. Hell, maybe I'm crazy but I just don't think the sight of me sitting on the can…Or say, picking my nose, would be something that would get his motor revving (Yes, I just used that phrase.)
So I have just got off work, Jamie and the kids are out grabbing dinner so I have a few minutes of downtime. I turn on the Netflix to check out if any new episodes of my favorite shows have streamed this week when I feel a jabbing sensation in my left nostril.
“Holy macaroni sticks batman that hurts! What the heck is that?” As I say this out loud to the empty house the realization that I may need some more adult company in my life becomes palpable.
In actuality I already know what it is. A booger, and not just any snot wad, one of those buggers that are hard and compressed up against the side of your nose…And they jab the tender insides of your nostril…And it hurts. I decide to go in for a dig, because I already know a simple blow job will not suffice. I locate a peninsular of the hard rock-like thing and begin to pull. I’m awfully careful as I feel one wrong move could lead to a nose bleed…I bleed easily from the snout region.
As I am pulling I hear something I truly do not want to hear. The door is opening, I hear the boy child enter, then the girl…Soon to follow will be husband and I am smack dab in front of them with a huge hard booger half hanging from my beak. I try to speed the process along, GET IT OUT OF THERE, you know!? When I realize only the front end of the thing is hard, following it is a long pliable stringy bit….The ol' 'Toss and Flick’ is now totally out of the question!
"They're Coooming…." is ringing in the most frontal area of my mind, and the panic is starting to kick in. This is going to be messy. I hear Jamie's footsteps making their way up the walk. The kids have now gained entrance, they do not notice my plight yet…Yet. If they do see what is truly happening, they will call me on it for sure! I frantically look around, searching for a tissue, no tissue to be found. A rag, an old sock, for the love of god; I NEED SOMETHING!
I have now removed the rock like boogie with its squishy tail and have it hidden in the palm of my hand. It feels sickening and is making me feel weird.
I am trapped as I stand in the middle of our living room floor. The only way out; the 3 steps towards the kitchen, then to make my way to the bathroom where the solace of toilet paper awaits me.
My issue though is this, Jamie is now blocking my escape route as he stands in front of those glorious stairs, jibber jabbering on about the great deal he got on steaks at the store.
"Uh huh…Oh sweet…That's awesome hunny…" I indulge him, whilst feeling more and more uncomfortable with the gooey substance that still lies tentatively upon my palm.
As he talks, I still am looking around, and I am surprised he hasn't mentioned the odd demeanour I wear out of pure horror he will catch on to my repulsive ways.
Yes! I spot a pair of Sophie's soiled pants lying in the entry way. On any other day I would be mad they were there, not today. Not. Today. Lars then too comes to my aid as he asks his father a question and as Jamie turns to speak to his son, I make a dive for the article of urine soaked clothing.
Upon turning back towards me, I coolly throw the little pink pants that smelled of urine and now house my boogery mess as well, down the flight of stairs towards our homes laundry room.
'Jamie you really shouldn't leave her stinky pants laying around, it's gross.' I think of saying, but decide not to press my luck.
It was a close call, but like always yours truly made it out…Just in the nick of time.